This morning I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the weight of it all.
It’s this feeling when my anxiety takes over. I can’t entirely put it to words, but the overwhelming emotions lead me to follow the tangent that I have nothing to live for. That no one else’s life would significantly change without me, and there’d be just one less person in the busy New York City streets. Thankfully, in these moments, I then tend to think ‘Well it can’t feel much worse than this. Let me hang around and see if I feel differently in the future.’
When I take the time to think through the reasons behind these emotions, I find two core parts of my identity that I’ve come to idolize:
The first is living for the feeling of being loved. A common theme I’ve seen in my life has been doing whatever it takes to keep the people around me happy, and just hope it’s enough for them to love me back.
The second is the fulfillment I've sought through my achievements.
If I feel anxious, it's probably because I didn't sleep well, didn't eat well, or I'd been on my phone too long. Or, if my business could just reach that next milestone, then I'd be truly proud of who I am. In times of hurt, I’d take the blame and put pressure on myself to do better. While doing these things do make life enjoyable at times, the idea of self improvement isn't a hope worth waking up for in the darkest of seasons.
And when those two core parts of my identity happen to crumble at the same time, I'm left with some pretty heart wrenching emotions.
Like if no one's life would be drastically different without me, what's the point of eating healthier, working harder and trying to have friends that love me?
Yet, in that same dark moment, I can't help but feel there must be something greater worth living for.
Appearing to have it all together for my friends and business, when my soul is longing for so much more.
On days like today, it seems I've forgotten who I am.
Like my worth is determined by the money in my account, the people in my life, and how my mind feels in this current moment.
But how far is that from the truth?
Have I forgotten the God who's been here all along?
The God who sustains the cosmos and my very existence.
For in this moment, in a dark city where the light is scarce,
God has sent a radiant light that restores my soul.
Through the window of my bedroom, He reminds me of His faithfulness.
This healing light reminds me of the One who has gently guided me this far.
In this moment, Jesus is walking towards me with love in His eyes. A love beyond any love I’ve ever known. A love that changes everything.
A love that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. A love that will comfort me in times of hurting. A love that follows me from the North Carolina mountains to the New York City streets.
I can withstand the weight of it all when He carries me on days like today.
He points my downcast soul towards the path of life - one that often does include healthier food, a well managed business, and friends that love me, but my identity doesn’t have to be rooted in that anymore.
And when life gets better and people ask me why I still believe in God, I’ll think back to days like today when God was my reason to live.
To know the creator of the universe for all He is that I may emulate his love for all those without hope.
Isaiah 40
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
Has it not been declared to you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
Raise your eyes on high
And see who has created these stars,
The One who brings out their multitude by number,
He calls them all by name;
Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power,
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
Written by Tommy McGrath
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